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A FAKE Interview With the Very Talented N'Sync | |
by Matthew
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Note: This is entirely fake. We apologize for any confusion this could cause to that fat boy band manager or to his friends. Who are most likely fat also.
We here at rootnode like to be in on what is "hip & new". Well, we asked some people from the street "What was cool?" and found out the general consensus was not Robert Plant, it was N'Sync! So I made a few calls and arranged an interview with the boys from N'Sync. Here is how it went:
rootnode: Hello. It is my distinct pleasure to have all of you here. Thank you Britney's boyfriend, other guy, and the other three ugly ones.
Britney's boyfriend: Thank you rootnode, its great to get a chance to talk to people who are really interested in music, people like us.
other guy: Yeah, thanks for having us.
rootnode: (It should be noted that I saw other guy's hand move to Britney's boyfriend's leg at this time.) I'd like to begin by finding out more about what guides you in your music and career. I've been listening to the new disc constantly and am intrigued by the influence of electronica as well as the depth of your lyrics. Lines like, "It doesen't matter bout the clothes we wear", seem very potent. What were some of your goals in making this record?
Britney's boyfriend: Yeah, like we just wanted to do beats that people could dance to, and give out some lyrics straight at all the critics . Its like this is our thing and we're here to stay. Our clothes don't matter.
rootnode: Interesting. Now do any of you actually pick out your own clothes for performances or appearances?
Britney's boyfriend: Well, no, I mean man nah. We got stylists to do that for us. "It doesnt matter."
rootnode: Who does most of the lyrics?
Britney's boyfriend: Like before the fat guy did it. But now we just sort of write some stuff down like we feel and bleed on paper man.
rootnode: None of what you write actually gets put on the record does it?
Britney's boyfriend: No.
rootnode: Ok then. Clothes and lyrics aside, the real meat of your performances seem to be the driving beats. What is your approach on making your trademark complex rythms?
other guy: Well dude first we... Well man, thats like already done by the other guys.
rootnode: Uh, ok. What about the songs you are listed as co-producer on other guy?
other guy: I did what?
rootnode: Um, Nevermind. Now Ugly Guys, you seem to sing a lot of the backup and high parts. Is it true that the fat guy removed your testicles to prevent your voices from deepening?
Ugly Guys: Yes, yes he did.
rootnode: Judging from your input into songwriting, beat-making, and snappy-dressing, is it fair to say that you have absolutely nothing do with your albums? Furthermore- who does do all of that? Is it just middle-aged rich white record company men who manufacture your hyper-polished sickeningly sweet non-musical trite? Are you basically the equivalent of the short red-headed kid with the seeping pink-eye who had his parents do all the work on his blue ribbon winning science project?
***At this point in the interview the fat manager guy burst through the wall glistening with sweat and reeking of malt liquor. He had crumpled in his hand an Abercrombie and Fitch calendar with scantily clad males. It was tear-stained and obviously an object of his affection.
Fat manager guy: Guys! Guys! Hey you guys! Will you take me back? Every night I dream of your cornflower blue eyes and great dance moves, you were the best I ever had! I'm tired of laying in my own piss and watching Goonies on VHS, take me back! You guys will be the best with me! Come on!
***As I hastily made my exit I noticed the boys cling to him and begin suckling on his greasy flesh. Thats enough interviewing for me.
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